Challenges: The Big 2-0

It's been a big week around here. First, I relaunched LLY Designs (party dance!). Then yesterday, at least according to my scale, I hit a pretty big and emotional milestone. I'm literally overflowing with emotion (and tears, ha.) and have to share this all with those of you who've been following along on the journey the last few months. As of yesterday, which coincidentally was exactly a month after my birthday, I'd lost exactly 20.freaking.pounds. In case you're wondering what a 20 pound weight loss looks like on a 5' tall person, here's a 1-year time lapse picture for comparison:

Granted, I'm wearing the Magic Black Dress (seriously, someone from WHBM and I NEED to talk about a partnership, asap! Who has connections?) on the right and next to my itty nothing of an Ema on the left but still. It's a hell of a difference, and I'm REALLY working on trying to celebrate that accomplishment without negating it. I've still got a little ways to go before reaching my ultimate target but I wanted to talk about the interesting challenges --aka the things that do pop into my head, preventing me from fully celebrating this milestone-- that I really didn't think about having to face:

  • Guilt over not working out enough. Once a week doesn't cut it mentally or physically for me, and I have such a hard time finding a routine with working from home. This is probably one of the biggest struggles I have since I still don't enjoy working out (at all!)
  • Guilt over letting things get so bad physically. Looking at photos for this post was really tough for me. This ranks right up there with the guilt about not working out enough. When I was in Boston this past week and looking at photo albums, I just wanted to skip pictures from the 2006-2012 because I'd "let myself get so fat." It's definitely a big mental switch allowing myself to think of myself as someone who is eating healthier, and doing healthier things for herself now, and not just because I have to or because I should, but because I WANT to and because I don't want to go back to being that girl in 2011 again. So here and now, I'm leaving the past in the past-- it happened because it did, and now things are different. "I am getting better and better in every way, every day."
  • Trepidation (word of the day, anyone?) about winter. I gained A LOT of weight during that Boston winter and I just have to keep telling me that, no, it's not going to happen again this year. I'm in California this time, I'm still eating healthy, getting out of the house, going to the gym, not snowbound, etc. But it's hard to get past that niggling fear.

And then the one thing that happened today, that I'm not even sure how to describe with one word or emotion other than maybe uncertainty (ok, or terror), has to do with my clothes. I always said that once I lost all of the weight I wanted my parents to put me on What Not to Wear. Well, I don't know if I could handle the stress of that (I'd probably cry the whole time) but I do know that I put on one of my favorite pairs of skinny pairs of "wear with boots" jeans (size 28, thank you very much" and they sagged like big ole baggy boyfriend jeans all of a sudden. And not in a good way, in a saggy diaper-butt kind of way. I'm suddenly discovering that shirts that were far too small last winter are almost big now... which is awesome, but also means that my wardrobe does.not.fit.well. Problem is, I don't have the budget to invest. Oh, I know, invest in a couple great pieces and tailor as you go (that's the smart thing to do!) BUT- a) I live in an apartment and using a laundromat still, which means I'm either dry cleaning the great pieces all the time or rarely wearing them, which defeats the purpose, and b) any money that I have goes straight back into paying bills/rent and my business expenses (aka hosting, developer, etc.). Think I'm kidding? Ask my parents about the small business loan we just discussed. So fat kid gone skinny either stays in fat kid gone skinny clothes -- because trust me, it does NOT pay to tailor $15 forever 21 jeans -- or... does what? Maybe there are brands out there who'd be game to partner with a fabulously design-minded gal with an eye for color, a big event coming up (Camp Mighty, anyone? Post on THAT tomorrow!) who's made a huge life change. Or do I just get a couple things from F21, as much as it pains me to do so, to tide me over in the interim?  I'd love to hear from anyone who's lost a lot of weight- what'd you do in the interim about clothes? I'm not wearing sweats til I reach my goal!

Also, I just want to thank ALL of you for being so supportive. On here, on twitter/facebook when I post gym pictures, on instagram when I post RIDICULOUS pictures of myself in just a sports bra and workout pants. Seriously, I need every single bit of emotional support I can get. Living alone means no workout/accountability buddy in the house, so you guys are as close as it gets and I appreciate every tweet/message/comment of it. Truly.